my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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