If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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