I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
