I skipped work to stalk him.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
