I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
