Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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