Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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