So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
