I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
