the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
