I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
