i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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