i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
