Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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