Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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