I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
