As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
