Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
