I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
