I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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