my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
