you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
