I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
