i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
