You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
