no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
