Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
