god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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