Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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