Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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