im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
