I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
