You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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