I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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