Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
