2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
