you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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