im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
