All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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