God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
