margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
