Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
