On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
