i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
