what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Randomize
