haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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