My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
