The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
