I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
