How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
