I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
